Saturday, October 29, 2022

A Year Without My Sister aka A Year of Total Suck

We have officially reached the portion of the program where we have gotten through all the firsts.  First Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first Easter, her first next birthday, and now first anniversary of losing her.

 So, it will get better now right? Hmmph.

I have had to watch multiple seasons of Survivor without her.  The Bachelor/Bachelorette.  The Masked Singer.  All without Susan to discuss them with.  Sad.

I have planned a vacation and a girls trip without her.  No Susan to discuss the minute details with for hours on end.  No Susan to discuss the ups and downs of each of those trips with at the conclusion of said trips.  Grim.

I have shopped for and purchased a very important dress for one of my sons' wedding without her. No Susan to get a final approval from or to talk about how absolutely beautiful the wedding day was. Pathetic.

Countless hikes and day trips to go on by myself with no Susan to talk to while I am traveling, or hiking. Lame.

Thousands of photos of taken without Susan to get first looks at and help me weed out the junk. Dumb.

Tons of shopping done without showing Susan every.single.thing. I purchased. Stupid.

Nearly a year (because I dont do it everyday) of faces of make-up applied without Susan on video helping me choose my colors and video chatting me while I got ready for the day. Hate it.

Hundreds of meals cooked without Susan on video in my kitchen keeping me company and watching my fake cooking show while we talked about everything, and nothing. Annoying.


I don't think anyone (except maybe Derek and Mark) will ever understand how much of our day to day was spent talking and video chatting with one another.  Even after a year, I can't get used to the fact that she is gone. I say outloud to her, at least once at day, " I can't believe you are really gone, how can you actually be gone. Please come back."  I can't stop missing her.  My life will never be the same.

I will never be the same.

I don't know if anything will ever feel right again and it freaking blows.

Susan was the most beautiful person I have ever known.  She had a huge heart and loved everyone (mostly, lol). She wanted to make everyone happy and didnt want to inconvenience anyone (also, mostly).   I spent so much of my life never feeling like I deserved a sister like her.  I hope she never felt like that.  She was hilariously funny and we would laugh so hard at the craziest things. How can she really be gone?

I beg her to come to see me in my dreams.  I tell her she can even haunt me, I won't care.  I just want to see her again. But so far no luck.

Maybe I will turn a corner this year.  I'm trying my hardest because I know she would want that.  I just miss my baby sister so much I can't even put it in to words. Or maybe I just did.

I love you,Scoot. I pray you are resting in peace, and that I will see you again someday.  Until then, I will do my best to live life to the fullest for us both. If not now, then when? Right?

Our last photo together.  Taken in August 2021.

An example of her amazing sense of humor.  A shirt she bought herself, but never got to wear.

Her first day of Kindergarten

Susan and Derek at a cousins wedding in October of 2019

Easter 2021

Family Reunion 2017 ish?

My hero, my inspiration and my BFF. August 2015

Birthday princess 40?

Susan and her boys (baby Drew and Adam) 

Happy birthday Susan, 2021

Adam's homage to his loved ones.
Build-a-bear dog that Aunt Susan bought him as a kid holding some of her ashes, wearing one of Uncle Bob's memorial bracelets, next to an eagle picture that hung is Pa's(my dad's) office.

Susan's favorite flowers were sunflowers.

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