I like sleep, it just does not like me. When I lived in a house, if I could not sleep I would get up and cook, or watch tv, or listen to music, Ya know, the normal things that people do in the middle of the night.
It's so much different on this truck. I don't know if its the little bed, the noise of the truck, or of the trucks around us, the temperature of the truck or just what it is but I am only averaging about three hours of sleep a night. A good night is four and a half to five and to be honest, those are too few and too far between.
Some of the time I lay here crying about how much I hate nighttime. Mark is sound asleep (as he should be) and he tells me all the time I can turn on the TV or whatever but I do not want to wake him.
Some of the time (the majority) is spent toiling over all the crazy stuff in my brain. And trust me, it's a lot.
I wonder why is the world the way it is, how did it get so scary and why there is so much ugliness. I cannot understand why people still hate other people based on the color of skin, or religious beliefs or sexuality or all the other reasons people choose to hate other people. Being the mom of two amazing sons of color, I worry every,single.day about them and how the future will treat them, and how the future will treat their children of color. It's scary. It's hard for someone who does not have color in their family to understand and I wish people could just say, " Ya know what, I don't get it but I acknowledge it's a thing" instead of the acting like white privilege, racism and hatred are all someone else's problem and not a problem for all of us.
I worry about my faith. Is it strong enough? Am I a good enough Christian? I know God grants me grace and mercy everyday but do I do enough to warrant it? I worry about the salvation of everyone I care about that is not saved, especially my kids. I wish I had been part of the church when they were little so I could have raised them in the faith. I already freak out all the time about not knowing if my daddy had accepted Christ and if I will ever see him again in Heaven. I cannot stand the thought of never seeing my kids again once I am gone. I work hard to try to leave things in God's hands but it's hard as can be for me because I like to have all the power. Bwahahaha...Even though I know I really have no power!
I think A LOT about my brother. I think about what a huge loss for our family his absence is. I try to understand why someone who dedicated his life to healing people, was cut short. I worry all the time about my mom, my sister in love , my nephews. It's just not fair. That's all I have to say about that.
These are just a few of the things I worry about. My brain never stops. I cannot get comfortable. I cannot relax. I hope I have not made a mistake in getting on this truck.
The sun will come up soon and another day will begin and I'll be good to go.
Thanks for reading.