Sunday, June 23, 2019

Get some cheese and listen to me whine..just a little real talk..

Hi.  I can't sleep.  I have been in this hotel now for two days and down time has never been my friend.  I have one of those brains that never shut off and definately over analyze everything.  Last night I only slept about three hours, tonight is not looking good either.  Hopefully once Mark is back here Sunday night I will be able to relax and sleep.

It's been a rough ten days or so.  We had such high hopes going into this new company and Mark has gone above and beyond since day one, even though from the start they have not lived up to their promises regarding pay, equipment and shipping lanes.  Now don't get me wrong.  We have been pleased (up until recently anyway) about the amount of miles he has been getting, and we are certainly doing better financially then when he was a lease operator for his previous company.  But the way the last ten days have been handled is nothing short of a debacle of epic proportions.  I am honestly not sure it all could have been handled worse, and it makes me sad for Mark.  He so wanted this company to be the answer to our prayers,

My personal struggles added to the top of the professional struggles we are having make me feel like throwing in the towel.  For many years I had so much going on in my life that I didn't have time to be lonely, bored or whatever I am feeling right now.  When Adam was in school I stayed so busy being a team mom for his various sports, band mom, then working with the drum corps, holding a full time job and keeping my home up just didn't leave me time to feel unnecessary and unneeded.  As the years went by and Adam graduated so the sports/band stuff went away.  Then I left the drum corps last year, and then my job and my home and now I wonder what it is what I am supposed to be doing with my life, because this just doesn't feel like it,

For the most part I love being on the truck and getting to see so many amazing places.  I have seen 40 of the 50 states.  That is not something I ever thought I would get to do.  It's not as "glamorous" as a lot of people think it is.  We do not get to stop and see most of the things I wish we could.  Always a load to get delivered that doesn't allow for much down time.  But even that I can deal with because there is a lot of amazing stuff to see from the passenger side of this truck, as my pics show!

My battle comes in with feeling totally unnecessary.  Like, what am I here for?  I have nothing to be responsible for.  Nothing to plan, or prep. No responsibilities at all and I hate it.  Nothing to keep my mind busy.  It's lonely out here. I honestly thought I would still hear from my friends and some of them I still do but the vast majority I don't until I reach out to them.  That makes me sad.  I miss the drum corps, that gave me such a sense of purpose and of being needed and I loved every second of it even the crappy parts.  I don't feel needed or purposeful out here.  I dont like this feeling and quite honestly, I was not prepared for it.  I thought I would LOVE being footloose and fancy free with not a care in the world.  Turns out, I'm not that kind of girl.

Another part of the problem is the anxiety I have due to being away from my family.  I have been struggling with it since last year.  Losing my brother in March and then my uncle later in the year made me realize how much I hate being away from family.  Then this year when Mark had his surgery I realized how important it was to have family around.  It was so hard to go through all of that alone.  There was so much financial and logistical terror that I dealt with by myself because we were not around family.  Taking care of him was physically and mentally difficult and I could  not cry to him because I needed him to stay strong and get better.  So being in NC with just him and I was a real eye opener to how nice it would have been to have some support.

So, what am I going to do?  I don't now.  Well, I kind of do.  Our plan is to get me an apartment in Ohio by my mom in September or October.  I have the option to work fulltime if I want, or just build my Paparazzi Jewelry empire and leave myself free to get on and off the truck as I choose.  I don't want to get off for good, but I definitely need a break and to have something else in my life.

I feel a little bit like a failure because I cannot be totally happy on the truck with Mark.  I feel like I am not holding up my end of the deal (which he says is ridiculous) to ride along side him.  Truthfully, he is probably ready for a break from me.  Like I said, it's been rough.  :)

We have a few things to work out over the next couple months in order to make my Ohio move happen so until then I will make lists of all the stuff I will need since I gave my entire household away to Adam when I got on the truck.  Oh darn!  New dishes and kitchen stuff.  What a shame that is!  I still have some crocheting projects to finish up and there are certainly more pics to take.  I do hope to get up to the New England states but we shall see.

Anyway, thanks for reading my 430am pity party.  I do know how fortunate I am to have this time on the truck with my husband, I just know that I need something for myself.  I hate how selfish that sounds.  sigh.

In the end, pushing away all the BS I do realize how blessed I am to have the husband, kids, family and friends I have.  I know God has a plan for me, I'd really just like to know what it is!

I will leave you with some pics of AZ and NM.  It really is so beautiful out here.

Love you all, so much.  Thanks for reading this blog each time I post an installment.  It means a lot to me.

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