90 days

       Susan used to watch this ridiculous tv show called "90 day Fiance" where (as I understand it) women would come to the US from overseas to meet some dude they didnt know and they had 90 days to decide if they were going to get married or not.  She used to talk about how the folks would get married and she could not understand it because 90 days was so short of a time and not long enough for anything.

    I beg to differ.  Right now, to me, 90 days seems like an eternity.  Because that is how long it has been since Susan left us.

    It's honestly been a lot harder to adjust to a life without her than I even thought it would be.  I keep waiting for the day when my heart doesn't hurt and I don't have at least one major breakdown.  I look at her photo on my wall and just beg her to come back even though I know of course, she cannnot.  I beg her to send me sign that she can hear me talking to her.  I need her help with so many things and she is just not here. I'm trying to pick a dress for our son Griffin's wedding, I am planning our September 2022 vacation and want someone to talk to (ad nauseaum most likely) about it.  One of our favorite TikTokkers passed away and I wanted to talk to her about it, then I prayed she would get to meet her in Heaven.  TV shows, YouTube, just life.  I need her here. I've got things to say to her.

  I feel so heavy, yet so empty at the same time. I don't know how to make it better.    

    I am trying.  I really am trying to get out and do the things that I used to love doing. I truly know she would want me to do that. She would want me out there walking, hiking, taking photos, reading, blogging, and cooking.  At the end of it though, I am reminded that I dont have her to share it with and then I get brought back down to the hard crushing reality of it all.

I just miss her so freaking much.

I'll keep kicking though.  I will keep pushing everyday because that's what I do.  That's what she would expect me to do.  That's what my mom needs me to do, my kids, my husband and my friends.  That's what I need to do.

There are still hikes to be hiked.  Books to be read. Photos to be taken. Blogs to be written. So, that's what I will be doing, and talking to my baby sis all the while.

Thanks for reading.

Love to all.