Dear Susan. A love letter to my baby sister.

 10.30.2021

Dear Susan,

The unthinkable happened this morning.  We lost you.  In the back of my mind I always knew it was possible.  You were not without your health issues.  But hell, most of us arent.  I just never thought it would be today.  When my phone rang at 3:50AM and it was Derek, I literally said outloud to myself, "If I dont answer, then nothing bad can be wrong".  But, I answered.  And my life will never be the same.  The words D spoke to me will ring in my ears forever.  Clanging like the sound of young kids with pots and pans on a porch in Applewood Acres on NYE decades ago.  So loud and unforgiving and so very unwelcome.  I am pretty sure that as hard as they were for me to hear, they were for D to say.  No matter what happens from here on out with my relationship with Derek, I will FOREVER love him and be so thankful for him.  He took the best care of you and loved you so totally and completely.  If his love for you was the the definition of unconditional love, I dont know what is.  I need to make sure I acknowledge that to him.  I am sure I have not done that enough over the years.

Anyway, that phone call set off a course of events for the day that as much as I would love to forget I am sure I will not ever be able to. When he called me back at 4:08AM to tell me you were gone my mind absolutely raced.  What do we do now?  What happens next?  How do we make preparations to honor you? How am I going to live without you? How do I tell the kids?  Your friends?  And worst of all, how in the world am I going to tell our beautiful mom that once again she has to mourn the loss of one of her babies.  It's so unfair.  It should never happen.  As a mom, its unthinkable to me.  I spent the next three hours dry heaving, sobbing, railing against God, begging him to send you back to us, questioning why he would do this to Mom.  Wondering what the hell was the purpose of the last 6 months of your life and the struggle and all the bullshit you went through if you were only going to end up leaving us like this.  I just dont understand.  And while you know I believe in God, and I am a follower of Jesus, I am mad.  And I guess I am not " supposed" to question, but since when have I ever done what I am supposed to do? Ha.  I know you would be smiling and nodding  your head over that one.

I had to find something to do to pass the time until I could go to Mom's.  Much like when we lost Bob, I wanted to give her a few  more hours of peace before I gave her horrible news and turned her world upside down, so I didnt go tell her right away.  So, you know what I did.  Yep, that's right.  I started making lists.  I made a list of the things I assumed (because I really have no idea) that D and I would have to figure out.  I made a list of people that I wanted to talk to before we posted about our enormous loss on social media.  There were so many people who loved you and many of them we just didnt want to have them hear about it on FB.  I sent out messages and told people "it's urgent, call me".  And then my phone, my heartache, and my tears didn't stop.  No matter how many times I had to tell our loved ones, the words never wanted to come out.  They never got easier to say.  Mostly all I could say is " We lost our Susan today"  or some variation of that. Rinse and repeat.  As much as I hated saying it so many times, the fact that I had so many people to say it to was a testament to how loved my Scoot is.  And girl, you are so very loved.  I wish you could see the massive amounts of comments about you on my FB post regarding us losing you.  I know you would be smiling ear to ear, and saying that all these people saying such nice things about you were crazy. Lol.  But they aren't.  They are all 100% accurate.  Everyone (or mostly everyone.  You and I know the couple of exceptions but we will keep that our secret and we both know they are INSANE) could see the fantastic sparkle that emaniated from within you. All of our friends, your friends, our family talked about how positive you always were despite your tough circumstances.  You and I know it wasn't alwas the case, it never is for anyone but Susan I know you know this because I told you often but I'll say it again.  I am SO PROUD of you for the way you handled the last 6 months.  I'm kind of a badass and I am not sure I could have done as well as you.  I would have been mad at the universe but you never were.  You did so good.   

Sometimes when people lose someone they love they think  "Oh I wish I had told them this or that".  I don't feel that way.  I feel 100% confident in knowing that YOU knew how I felt about you.  That YOU knew that I loved you more than even my mascara collection (but probably not more than my nail wraps) and how even when I was being hard on you it was bcause I believed in you and I knew it was because I knew you could push harder and had more to give.  I know that you know I was your BIGGEST cheerleader.  And you were also mine.  You were ALWAYS there for me.  No matter what. Through breakups, kid issues, job issues, financial issues.  No matter what you were the one I know I could tell anything to and that I would not get any judgement.  I dont know what I am going to do now without you.  I feel so lost already.  Who am I going to talk to when I am cooking, or putting on my makeup, or driving or doing nothing.  Who is going to talk about The Bachelorette with me, and Survivor?  Who is going to send me stupid TikTok videos?

Funny, a week ago I told you I was going to stop blogging because hardly no one even looks at them anymore and you said "I look at them, who else matters" and you gave me that adorable Betty Rubble giggle.  And now here I am blogging to you.  Not exactly the way I thought  this would go since you are not even here to read this.

Susan, what am I going to do without you?  My heart hurts so badly,  I truly know I will never be the same person I was pre-10/30/2021. How can I be?  My first friend.  My best friend,  My baby sister.  YOU are GONE. Oh Susan, why did you leave me?  Why did you leave us?  I know that's an unfair question.  I know it was not your choice.  I know you would still be here if you could. It's Halloween tomorrow.  Your favorite holiday.  You won't even get to see me post the socks we picked out for me to wear. So lame.  This is all so freaking lame.  I hate it so bad.

I'm rambling now.  Big shocker.  I just don't know how to end to end this.  I don't want to end this.  I don't want this to end.  I don't want you to "end".  But your life here on earth did.  And that sucks more than I can ever put in to words.  But your impact on this life will never end.  Your impact on ME will never end.  And most likely not on anyone who knew you.  How could it?  You were amazing.  You were a bright shiny light in this world and its going to take more than your death(that just make me throw up in my mouth) to dull that light.

I'm not going to end it.  I'll just say I love you and I'll talk to you later.  Just like we ended every.single.call and video chat.  Because I am certain I'll be talking to you later.  

I just wish I could hear you talking back.

ETA...crap.  Who is going to proofread this?  You were my freaking proofreader.  Dangit.